The magick of “Twilight” and self-care
When I took a gap year after graduating in 2019 I watched the movie “Twilight” every day. Every. Day. Sometimes even multiple times a day. Do I absolutely love Twilight as a book and movie? Yes. But my compulsive consumption of the film was less related to being a cheesy vampire romance superfan and more related to my memories of seventh grade when I first read the books and the feelings associated with that time.
I remember feeling like I was on top of the world in seventh grade. I had just gotten the lead in the school musical, I actually had free time to hang out with my friends, and I hadn’t encountered self-esteem issues yet. To make things even better I had just started reading Twilight. I had been at a local book store with my then-boyfriend and he even helped me pick it out (funnily enough the rest of our “relationship” was spent with him getting increasingly upset over my fascination and love for Edward 😄). To say I loved Twilight is an understatement. I was utterly obsessed and I would have given anything to actually become a sparkly vampire (I still would). However, while I love Twilight, the attraction that made me return to it years later with an insane passion was the association with such a fun time in my life. In the same way I’ve written about my attachment to Nancy Drew video games and their nostalgia, Twilight also makes me feel like a carefree kid again. When I watch I can simply get lost in the romance that swept me away when I was 13 and just vibe for an hour or two. The real magic of Twilight (for me) is its ability to transport me to a completely different time in my life and help me forget about whatever is upsetting me in that moment. Some people drink or do drugs to cope with upsetting things, I just do Twilight.
While my family constantly made fun of me for my viewing habits during that year I have come to realize the impact returning to childhood media had on my development and healing as a person. As I explained in my Nancy Drew commentary, returning to childhood media is a coping mechanism for me, and in a way, they help me move past things that have hurt me and help me become more of an adult. While it may seem silly, allowing myself to have that time and enjoy something I love reminded me of how important it is to just take time for myself and enjoy things. Even if they're goofy it is healthy just to enjoy things that make you happier. And that has been the most important lesson I learned during that time. If I really wanted to be free from the expectations that I felt chained to I needed to actually embrace myself as a person first. I decided not to feel embarrassed about the things that I enjoy anymore, which has allowed me to feel more carefree and comfortable in my own skin. It seems dramatic for Twilight to have such an impact on someone, but Twilight represents a greater idea of just letting yourself enjoy things. Allow yourself to be childish and silly, consume media that fulfills that part of you, and own it. Thank you, Twilight, for helping me embrace being a goofy dork.
